Coping with Changes at Midlife
I recently spent three days in Saskatoon teaching skin and wound care to nurses who work in First Nations communities across Saskatchewan. It was an excellent conference and I realized how much I’ve missed teaching nurses and being at conferences. The last time I was able to teach wound care to nurses was well over 21 months ago. Being there brought up plenty of emotions. A lot has changed in the past two years for me. Some of it is wonderful, some has been demanding, and some of it has been heartbreaking. But changes at midlife (and all throughout our lives) are constant and need to be managed so they don’t overwhelm us.
Midlife itself brings about huge changes. It seems like everything is changing. Our kids grow up and start becoming more independent, and then move out on their own. Our parents are aging and need more help at times. We might be retiring or changing jobs, or even careers. Some might be downsizing into smaller homes. A few of us experience divorce. Our bodies are changing. Menopause. And the list goes on…
A lot has changed in the last year for many of us as well, and the changes associated with the pandemic can challenge our resilience. Daily life has changed so often and so dramatically lately that we all have had to face the fact that we do not have control over every aspect of our lives. Many of us are struggling to cope with this new reality and all of these constant changes, including me. When this Covid fourth wave began in Saskatchewan, I really found myself challenged with maintaining positivity and the hope that we would soon find some normalcy. I’m tired of the constant changes!
People can feel anxious or even angry when they experience change. We may be told (or even tell ourselves) that the changes are logical or expected, but this does little to reduce the emotions we are feeling. Lately, I’ve been sad, exhausted, and challenged with maintaining my peace and happiness in life, and I really feel it’s due to so many changes overwhelming me.
Research suggests that our brains are wired to predispose us to resist change. It’s easy for our brains to establish routines or incorporate habits into our lives. We go about our day on “autopilot” at times due to the routines and habits we have developed. It requires less energy expenditure for the parts of our brain that control instinct, emotions, memory & habits than it does for the part of the brain to manage decision making, behaviour modification and critical thinking.
The part of the brain that requires more energy is the pre-frontal cortex. It is also the part of the brain that helps us to work through and process change. Changes in our lives- even good changes, can induce feelings that require us to use more brain power to process and work through. All of this can induce stress responses in our bodies, and these changes may be interpreted by our brains as threats.
If we do not work through and process these changes, our brains will revert back to the amygdala (instead of the pre-frontal cortex) perceiving changes as threats, and will activate our fight or flight responses, trigger negative emotions, and render us unable to effectively cope with the changes.
All that extra energy we expend to process changes is exhausting and we might not deal with it well if we don’t do the work that is needed. The process of navigating change requires us to establish new habits and routines, which can be uncomfortable. But stick with it and it will become easier.
I’ve done some research to help me embrace and work through all of the changes at midlife, and here are some tips I’ve learned that are helping me. I continue to be a work in progress 😉.
Navigating Changes at Midlife
First, understand the changes that are going on in your life and how those changes will affect you. Also, recognizing how your brain reacts to changes is important. Then, know what you have the ability to change, and what you have no control over. Practicing mindfulness helps us to do this. This slows us down and helps us to pay attention to our surroundings, how we feel, and what we are thinking. It is creating awareness. Becoming conscious of the mental habits that shape our beliefs and behaviours is the key first step towards awareness and the ability to manage change. I have two posts on the benefits of practicing mindfulness here and here.
Acknowledge your feelings that you are having, accept that they are valid and real, and then let them go. If I am having negative emotions about something, I will allow myself a specific amount of time to have those feelings and then once that time is up, I let them go. Those feelings may come back at another time, and I will again give them time before letting them go again. This keeps me from dwelling on something for too long- which I have a tendency to do. Along with allowing myself to have the emotions, I also try to understand why I have them. Really looking at the underlying reasons for the anxiety or anger or whatever I’m feeling, helps me to manage the emotions better.
Drop the expectations you have for the situation or the changes that are occurring. Our expectations can set us up for disappointment, especially when they are unrealistic. For more info on this see my post How Your Expectations Can Affect Your Happiness.
Find the positivity in the changes. Sometimes changes seem completely negative until we really look at what things can be positive from them- even if it is something that we can learn from the experience. Try writing down the positives as you think of them. It helps to have a list to refer to when those negative emotions start to creep up on you again.
Also, consider practicing gratitude. When you practice gratitude in your life you put your focus on the good, rather than the things that are causing you stress such as all of the changes going on around you. For more info on gratitude, see my post Easy Ways To Practice Gratitude In Your Life.
After understanding the changes going on around you and accepting your emotions, make goals and new habits that can help resolve your feelings around these changes. Even if the goal is acceptance of a change that you are unable to resolve to your satisfaction.
Eat healthy and exercise daily. Feeling your best and managing stressors on your body starts with eating healthy and getting your blood flowing. Exercise is a natural way to get your endorphins flowing throughout your body to help you cope with stress and feel more relaxed.
Keep a regular schedule. Managing to keep within a regular schedule helps you to keep some habits throughout changes occurring in your life, which will keep your brain from becoming too overwhelmed. Having a regular schedule helps comfort your brain and not expend extra energy dealing with more changes.
It’s important to seek support – talk/vent to get your feelings out. This might be with a friend/ family member, a physician, a medical professional, or a psychologist/counsellor. If you find yourself continually venting to friends, please consider a counsellor who has the expertise in helping you work through these changes.
Reduce negativity in your life (people, social media, news, etc). Surround yourself with positivity and people/things you love and enjoy. Negativity attracts more negativity and likewise positivity breeds more positivity.
Lastly, practice self care- however that looks to you!! We all have our idea of self care. Prioritize time each day for yourself to do what brings you joy.
Change is constant, there’s no denying that. It’s much easier to deal with changes once you recognize them and take the time to manage them appropriately. Remember is that our brains initially resist change, which can make us feel afraid, and that we each cope differently with change. Our ability to cope with changes at midlife is something we can manage when so much seems out of our control. So, please do look after yourself.
As always, although I am a Registered Nurse, I am not your nurse and my opinions above do not substitute or constitute medical advice. Please see your healthcare practitioner if you have concerns or questions regarding your health. Also, see my disclaimer here for more information.
Take care,
Resources:
Rothermund K, de Paula Couto MCP, Fung HH, et al. Age-Related Attributions of Experienced Changes in Life: Origins and Implications. J Gerontol B Psychol Sci Soc Sci. 2021;76(5):881-893. doi:10.1093/geronb/gbaa160, 10.1093/geronb/gbaa160
Moumne S, Hall N, Boke BN, Bastien L, Heath N. Implicit Theories of Emotion, Goals for Emotion Regulation, and Cognitive Responses to Negative Life Events. Psychol Rep. 2021;124(4):1588-1620. doi:10.1177/0033294120942110, 10.1177/0033294120942110
Bleil ME, Appelhans BM, Thomas AS, et al. Early life predictors of positive change during the coronavirus disease pandemic. BMC Psychol. 2021;9(1):83. doi:10.1186/s40359-021-00586-7, 10.1186/s40359-021-00586-7
Perregrini M. Mitigating Resistance to Change in the Workplace. Creat Nurs. 2019;25(2):154-156. doi:10.1891/1078-4535.25.2.154, 10.1891/1078-4535.25.2.154
Labrague LJ, de Los Santos JAA. Resilience as a mediator between compassion fatigue, nurses’ work outcomes, and quality of care during the COVID-19 pandemic. Appl Nurs Res. 2021;61:151476. doi:10.1016/j.apnr.2021.151476, 10.1016/j.apnr.2021.151476
Moumne S, Hall N, Boke BN, Bastien L, Heath N. Implicit Theories of Emotion, Goals for Emotion Regulation, and Cognitive Responses to Negative Life Events. Psychol Rep. 2021;124(4):1588-1620. doi:10.1177/0033294120942110, 10.1177/0033294120942110
Kahneman, Daniel, 1934- author. (2011). Thinking, fast and slow. New York :Farrar, Straus and Giroux.
Julie Chesley & Avonlie Wylson (2016): Ambiguity: the emerging impact of mindfulness for change leaders, Journal of Change Management, DOI: 10.1080/14697017.2016.1230334
https://erickson.edu/blog/mindfulness-and-the-process-of-change