Midlife: It Doesn't Have To Be A Crisis! ⋆ Celebrate Life in the Middle

It doesn't have to be a midlife crisis

When many people think of a “midlife crisis” what often appears in their mind is the stereotypical middle-aged man who buys a sporty vehicle, leaves his family and gets a mistress. Well, a midlife upheaval can happen to women as well, and this can often sneak up on us without notice. But it doesn’t have to be a crisis!

It’s important to be aware of your feelings and be proactive in managing those feelings to ensure you don’t reach crisis mode. Paying attention to how you feel and ensuring you enjoy your life while you are younger, and moving towards midlife is key! This prevents you from letting negative feelings build up and worsen over time, causing the crisis.

Women going through a midlife crisis can experience symptoms of boredom, depression, anxiety, apathy, remorse, impulsive decision making, low self-confidence, feelings of inadequacy, a sense of failure or loss, fear of or obsessing over aging and mortality, and even physical issues/symptoms that don’t have a cause.

They can feel like time is running out for them, or that they haven’t been able to do all they wanted to do.

Many start reflecting on their lives and worry that they haven’t achieved what they wanted to and whether they have led a fulfilling life.

Midlife is the unhappiest time in our life- but I don’t believe it has to be!

Research on unhappiness throughout life has shown that people are most happy in their teens and early 20’s, and that happiness follows a U-shaped curve downwards until it reaches a low at midlife (around 45-55 years). The curve starts to increase again after that midlife point whereby people begin to feel more happy into their elderly years(1). It’s no surprise then that many women can experience a midlife “crisis”.

U- shaped happiness curve

Our own expectations are often to blame. These expectations can cause shame or guilt when we fail to achieve the preconceived goals we have for ourselves. Expectations of ourselves that we haven’t realized yet, or perhaps never will. Some regret not choosing a different career, some that they chose to stay at home with the children and now don’t know what to do with the empty nest, and others wonder what life would be like if they lived somewhere else, or married someone else.

We also have comparison expectations, by comparing what we are doing or what we have to others. This is sometimes our friends, family and sometimes people we don’t know. Social media has a huge part to play in this when we compare our lives (the good, the bad, and the ugly) with the “perfect” lives being shown on social media. It gives us unrealistic expectations of ourselves, and what we think we should be achieving.

Expectations others have of us can also precipitate stress at midlife. When others (such as our parents) have certain hopes for our lives, and we abandon our own goals and wishes to make them happy, it can lead to unhappiness. We end up not leading authentic lives according to our own priorities and values.

Expectations we have of others can lead to unhappiness as well. When our expectations of others doesn’t match our reality, we become frustrated, upset, and even self-righteous. Allowing other people’s actions (or lack thereof) to influence our happiness leads to resentment and anger. This can end marriages and friendships, as well as lead to a midlife crisis.

Working woman at midlife

Midlife is typically when we carry the most responsibility and stress that can contribute to a midlife crisis. We often have constant changes at midlife such as:

Work or career changes. Midlife is a time when many are moving into senior positions at work, which brings extra stressors. It is a time that we are either contemplating retirement or taking early retirement. Retirement itself can even stimulate a midlife crisis, especially if we don’t know what we are going to do with our time.
Children are maturing and leaving home. The “empty nest” can be a happy event for some, but a very sad experience for others. This brings about lots of changes as well as feelings of loss over not being “needed” as much anymore.
Becoming a caregiver for aging parents. Many times, we are both caregiver for our teenagers still at home while also having to manage caring for our parents and their declining health.
Menopause (and Perimenopause). The changes that go along with this are huge and require another blog post (or many) to discuss. Perimenopause and menopause can cause huge changes and upheavals in women’s lives. And that alone can cause a crisis itself!
Loss of our youthfulness and coping with physiological changes that come with aging. We often have weight gain, decreased muscle tone, wrinkles, sagging, etc. If we value youthfulness and don’t deal with these changes well, we can be very unhappy.

It doesn’t have to be a crisis! Here are some tips I’ve learned to help you avoid a midlife crisis:

To keep midlife from becoming a crisis we must manage our expectations. Be aware if your expectations are practical and achievable in your life. Perfection is unattainable. And, we don’t always get what we want. Learning how to balance your successes with your failures will increase your happiness greatly.
Many studies have shown that gratitude increases our happiness and well-being, as well as helping us live longer (2). Gratitude helps us to appreciate what we do have, and we end up being less concerned with what we don’t. Take time each day to be grateful for what you have in your life. It might help you to realize that what you are “missing” is maybe not what you need or even what you want, what you really really want 😉.
Reflect on what has gone right and what hasn’t in your life- without feeling regret or guilt about it. Make peace with your past- it’s your past that has made you who you are today.
Midlife is a great time to re-evaluate your goals. Perhaps you didn’t achieve your goals that you made in your 20’s. Maybe you gave up your goals because you felt obliged to make others happy instead of yourself. Perhaps those aren’t the goals you have now. Find out what your priorities are right now and go after them.
After reflecting on your life and identifying what your goals are now, then look at making small changes to your life that you want to change to achieve those goals. If after making some changes you still aren’t happy, consider what else you need to change and then make some more small changes. Doing a complete 180 in your life is going to likely throw you into crisis-mode. And, entirely abandoning your life as you’ve known it inevitably burns bridges you may need or miss one day.
Don’t compare yourself to others. Only compare yourself to who you were yesterday. Most of us can look back at our younger selves and say that we have improved with age. But if you are the opposite of that, look at what you feel you’re missing or need to improve, and then decide what you need to do to change.
Live in the present. Always focusing or worrying about the future keeps us from enjoying here and now. Mindfulness is great for helping you to be happy in the present. See my post on How Mindfulness Can Change Your Life.
Identify your stressors in life and actively reduce or eliminate them as much as you can. Learn to let go of resentment and frustration.
Manage your health and well-being. Get and stay as healthy as possible and make self-care a priority. See my Year of Wellness Series where I am exploring ways to get and stay healthy over the next year. Eating healthy foods helps our bodies and minds feel better, and exercise releases endorphins- the feel good hormones that enhance happiness.
Have a support system that you can lean on. Studies have shown that midlife well-being is enhanced by having a circle of friends that you visit regularly (3). Good friends are the key to happiness in midlife and beyond. Those that know you well can help you through your challenges and transitions. Accept their help when offered- it doesn’t mean you’ve failed.
Try to laugh as much as possible. Books, podcasts, TV, friends and family can all make us laugh. And having fun can keep you healthy!
Give yourself grace and self-compassion. It is normal to grieve the loss of goals that we thought were going to happen. Give yourself time to grieve. But then get over yourself, make new goals or alter your pre-existing goals and move on with your fabulous life.

Friendships at Midlife

If you do find yourself in the middle of a midlife crisis, it should be treated like any other crisis in your life. Be good to yourself. Please talk to your doctor or mental health professional if you find the symptoms you are feeling are distressing and they are impairing your life greatly by:

Causing you to feel chronically depressed, anxious, or even suicidal
Being unable to sleep
Over-eating or being unable to eat
Inability to concentrate
You feel physically unwell
Feeling apathy towards things you have normally enjoyed
Your relationships with others are suffering.

Please note that while I am a registered nurse, I am not your nurse and my opinions above do not constitute or replace medical advice. Please discuss any questions or concerns with your physician or health care provider. Also, see my disclaimer here for more information.

Don’t let a midlife crisis sneak up on you by being proactive and managing your feelings and expectations early. It doesn’t have to be a crisis! You can Celebrate Life in the Middle!!

Take care,

Celebrate Life in the Middle Blog